Resolutions..2012

New year resolutions: Give up false vanity of being a net warrior on facebook! Delete the account itself. Live a simple life with just an email account..
Just concluded first national conference on "Stammering & self help". Feel happy and light. I feel "Life" has given me the permission to move on.. I have given my best creativity and energies to the idea of self-help, which, now, others must carry on..
In 2003, I felt "un-whole" and therefore unsuitable to be received in His great presence. So, it was important for me to work on it whole heartedly. I am done. I am ready for the next step..and I am full of expectations and joy.. It doesn't matter what day it is- for me it is the beginning of a new era, new awareness, new strivings..

Nishant and Palya

Today- only Nishant came. Last two sundays, I have been receiving them at home since, the numebr has been low- just 3 or 4. And therefore, I decided to put them on skype one by one and make them talk to "strangers". Last couple of sundays, they skyped with Sidharth, Ashokmohan, Kishore, Zeshan etc. Once, even with Shorn in Newzeyland. Sushil was quite impressed when I told him that Shorn is sitting in Newzeyland and talking to him in India..
But today, I took Nishant out for a stroll in the tea garden. Nishant, sometimes reminds me of a story I wrote about a mentally challenged shepherd up in Garhwal. I had seen a young man "like that" very close to Hathi/Gauri Parbat.. From that vacant look (he could be a realized soul for all I knew) I got the feel of a lonely man and imagined rest of the story, based on what I knew of rural life in Garhwal- having spent so many years there.
What does society do, with such children? Exactly what the Occupational Therapist will do, in fancy terms and for a (fancy?) fee.  He is attached with an elder (country) cousin and sent off with a herd to pasture. Over the years he learns the trade well- then comes the question of marriage..
In my story Palya (Pala Singh), gets married, but his wife after some months goes avisiting her people and never returns. Palya had carved a rough doll and wants to give it to his wife.. and gets a strong urge to visit her. His herd is very close to her village- there is a high mountain and a thick forest, separating them. It is getting late. He takes the chance.
He is no more heard of. Many days later, his body is found. He was attacked by a bear. His hands gripped the doll, even in death. Do mentally challeneegd people fall in love? I have a hunch: they are like children- they love but dont grab or try to possess..
Nishant said, in response to my question- No, my marriage will take place only when I become alright.
But you are alright now. Ain't you?
Yes, but- I must wait..

He had no hesitation or awkwardness, as he said so. But what about so called "normal" people? If they cant or wont marry, they face stigma.. Being part of a society is a great strength as well as a great bondage..
How do you step out?

Musings of Old age

My body now takes about 10-15 minutes to warm up in the morning. I get up. Mind is awake but body is numb. I make a cup of coffee, move around in the garden, somedays I go for a walk in the tea garden- and then finally, the body is fully awake. Then, I can do a yekkogeri..(side kick).
This is good news. I am getting the evidence first hand that body is seperate from the the mind. That's why the time lag. Next, I will get the evidence that Mind is seperate from the Spirit, the REAL me. Yes, this too will happen in this very life and I will become a Jivanmukta. A man has given me his word for it.
Today I was jogging in my room. Just had shifted the bed around a little bit, so that I could see the three pictures while lying down. Suddenly, it seemed that - that room which was bobbing up and down, with every thump, was really a train compartment, with special arrangement. Yes, a rail bogey with a bed, table etc. I was traveling in a train. Been to many stations- wayside small places, where engines get shunted and then somebody waves a flag.. and a new journey begins.
It has taken me about 54 years to understand that the scenery changes but doesn't change really.. There is a pattern, which repeats itself- a complex algorithm- but essentially an algorithm, a formula- nothing more.

Is there a sense?

I am 53 and still have not learned. I still try to make sense of the world. Just returned from a little walk in the tea gardens nearby. I tried to behold all the beauty outside, all around me- the green rolling carpet of tea bushes extending on and on..blue mountains in the distance, gray-white clouds licking at the top of the mountain ranges, all variety of bird calls emanating from this collage..
Suddenly my eyes fell on a butterfly a few feet away. It danced around some wild flowers. Next, my eyes fell on a piece of human shit (yes, you read correct)- just inches away from this beautiful butterfly. I thought it will fly away. But no- it kept inching its way towards it and finally began crawling over it!! Ugh! The beautiful pattern on its wings glowing against the brown background- ugh!
I took my eyes away and a thought popped in my head: You will die one day and never understand the logic of this creation. Only one who created this will understand it. Not you. There are beautiful things. here are ugly singularities too. Beautiful things may do ugly things and ugly things may create exceptional beauty.. Where is the logic? the connection? the rationale? Absolutely none.
BTW I scored today 40000 in the Crazy taxi driving game on line! after consistently being stuck at 20,000 for last many days.

Sheru crying..

I thought I had no power to do "good" to my world but I was proved suddenly wrong. There was this painful howling of a dog coming from the neighborhood. So full of sadness and longing for company- you could break into tears. Marian was already upset: Should we not lodge a complaint to Pradhan? This is disturbance of public peace, law and order? If you dont do anything about, I will..

I did not want to jump on her band wagon. Sometime back, we literally forced this same neighbor to set free a street dog he had adopted, rather late in the day. The neighbor said: okay but if he bites anyone, you are responsible. Marian of cousre agreed to whole thing- and the dog began visiting our home regularly for food. His name was "Bhondu" (= dumb one). Rest of the time he use to cut capers in the street with his canine friends.

One day he came to us with a huge rotting wound on forehead with maggots. Marian tried to treat it with Neem oil, but to no avail. Finally, I agreed to put him to death. That entire episode weighed heavily on my heart, head, conscience. I did not want to get involved with another dog- not certainly of the same neighbor!

I felt helpless and wanted to just shut my ears. Marian as usual forced me out of my "spiritual" ivory tower: But what to do? what can I do? Finally I just took a walk- saw the lady standing at her gate. We smiled and exchanged greetings. I casually said: I just came out to see if PNB was open. By the way, what a beautiful dog you have on chain there? what is his name?..

From there I took off, and offered to walk Sheru; Sheru is a lonely but really good hearted dog. Then, I walked him back- enquired about water in his bowl etc. etc. Gave some helpful suggestions and saw Sheru slipping quietly under his absent master's bed. Everything was quiet- including Marian when I returned home in 20 minutes.

At 53, I often think, that God does everything- I can do nothing. Many years ago, I thought, just the other way around. Today again I had a "polar reversal". It took just a little walk, wise talk and everyone was fine. So what does it prove: I dont know- but I think, it means that I certainly will never arrive at an unlaterable definite intellectual position on this question: I will have to keep on learning something new about myself, Him, His creation and my role in it... Yes, life long learning.

Memories..

Today, in fact for last few months- I have been battling with a horrifying realization: I am forgetting some important details (scenes, conversations) about my late mother and father. I am losing their memories. This seems to be the ultimate pain and cruelty dispensed by a mysterious providence..
I am filled with the fear of losing the loved ones..
Is that God's way of telling us to love all equally?
Losing loved ones, and then losing their memory! what does it all mean?

I went to my dojo today- had a very good practice session- and returned home, with my thoughts looking up a little bit..

"Even though I doubt your generosity, I will try to trust your love.."

A walk thru pines..

After 38 years, I sat on the same spot and looked north- at the same Himalayan view leading all the way up to the eternal snow peaks which separate Himalayas from Tibet. I tried to compare my thoughts, emotions and knowledge - what I knew then and know now- of the world in general and the one lying to north, from where I sat. What a vast difference!
A stroke of luck (may be hard work too :-) landed me in this exclusive boarding school in Nainital in '71. I remember sitting at the snow view and looking at snow peaks for hours- and wondering what life holds for me. Now, I know all the answers. All the promises have come true - but in a very different way. I know something of great value today- which only living can bring to us.
Besides this sense of wonder about nature, there were many other emotions associated with the place. I relived these emotions, memories and set them free in ether- as i walked thru my old school.
Few days back, I was again in that town: and this time, I decided to walk the path, which I had taken as a child 38 yrs ago- through the pines, a rough trail, a stream and the great silence. I walked from Birla Chungi to Ratighat..
Yes, life has been a blessing- which I have earned every bit. Stuttering was my friend, rival, teacher and finally the key to the inner chamber of understanding. We have come a long way-me and my stammering- and this can be known only by looking back.