'Haklana' means stammering

Resolutions..2012

2012-01-02T04:11:00.000-08:00

New year resolutions: Give up false vanity of being a net warrior on facebook! Delete the account itself. Live a simple life with just an email account..
Just concluded first national conference on "Stammering & self help". Feel happy and light. I feel "Life" has given me the permission to move on.. I have given my best creativity and energies to the idea of self-help, which, now, others must carry on..
In 2003, I felt "un-whole" and therefore unsuitable to be received in His great presence. So, it was important for me to work on it whole heartedly. I am done. I am ready for the next step..and I am full of expectations and joy.. It doesn't matter what day it is- for me it is the beginning of a new era, new awareness, new strivings..

Nishant and Palya

2011-12-18T05:57:00.001-08:00

Today- only Nishant came. Last two sundays, I have been receiving them at home since, the numebr has been low- just 3 or 4. And therefore, I decided to put them on skype one by one and make them talk to "strangers". Last couple of sundays, they skyped with Sidharth, Ashokmohan, Kishore, Zeshan etc. Once, even with Shorn in Newzeyland. Sushil was quite impressed when I told him that Shorn is sitting in Newzeyland and talking to him in India..
But today, I took Nishant out for a stroll in the tea garden. Nishant, sometimes reminds me of a story I wrote about a mentally challenged shepherd up in Garhwal. I had seen a young man "like that" very close to Hathi/Gauri Parbat.. From that vacant look (he could be a realized soul for all I knew) I got the feel of a lonely man and imagined rest of the story, based on what I knew of rural life in Garhwal- having spent so many years there.
What does society do, with such children? Exactly what the Occupational Therapist will do, in fancy terms and for a (fancy?) fee. He is attached with an elder (country) cousin and sent off with a herd to pasture. Over the years he learns the trade well- then comes the question of marriage..
In my story Palya (Pala Singh), gets married, but his wife after some months goes avisiting her people and never returns. Palya had carved a rough doll and wants to give it to his wife.. and gets a strong urge to visit her. His herd is very close to her village- there is a high mountain and a thick forest, separating them. It is getting late. He takes the chance.
He is no more heard of. Many days later, his body is found. He was attacked by a bear. His hands gripped the doll, even in death. Do mentally challeneegd people fall in love? I have a hunch: they are like children- they love but dont grab or try to possess..
Nishant said, in response to my question- No, my marriage will take place only when I become alright.
But you are alright now. Ain't you?
Yes, but- I must wait..

He had no hesitation or awkwardness, as he said so. But what about so called "normal" people? If they cant or wont marry, they face stigma.. Being part of a society is a great strength as well as a great bondage..
How do you step out?

Musings of Old age

2011-11-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

My body now takes about 10-15 minutes to warm up in the morning. I get up. Mind is awake but body is numb. I make a cup of coffee, move around in the garden, somedays I go for a walk in the tea garden- and then finally, the body is fully awake. Then, I can do a yekkogeri..(side kick).
This is good news. I am getting the evidence first hand that body is seperate from the the mind. That's why the time lag. Next, I will get the evidence that Mind is seperate from the Spirit, the REAL me. Yes, this too will happen in this very life and I will become a Jivanmukta. A man has given me his word for it.
Today I was jogging in my room. Just had shifted the bed around a little bit, so that I could see the three pictures while lying down. Suddenly, it seemed that - that room which was bobbing up and down, with every thump, was really a train compartment, with special arrangement. Yes, a rail bogey with a bed, table etc. I was traveling in a train. Been to many stations- wayside small places, where engines get shunted and then somebody waves a flag.. and a new journey begins.
It has taken me about 54 years to understand that the scenery changes but doesn't change really.. There is a pattern, which repeats itself- a complex algorithm- but essentially an algorithm, a formula- nothing more.

Is there a sense?

2011-09-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

I am 53 and still have not learned. I still try to make sense of the world. Just returned from a little walk in the tea gardens nearby. I tried to behold all the beauty outside, all around me- the green rolling carpet of tea bushes extending on and on..blue mountains in the distance, gray-white clouds licking at the top of the mountain ranges, all variety of bird calls emanating from this collage..
Suddenly my eyes fell on a butterfly a few feet away. It danced around some wild flowers. Next, my eyes fell on a piece of human shit (yes, you read correct)- just inches away from this beautiful butterfly. I thought it will fly away. But no- it kept inching its way towards it and finally began crawling over it!! Ugh! The beautiful pattern on its wings glowing against the brown background- ugh!
I took my eyes away and a thought popped in my head: You will die one day and never understand the logic of this creation. Only one who created this will understand it. Not you. There are beautiful things. here are ugly singularities too. Beautiful things may do ugly things and ugly things may create exceptional beauty.. Where is the logic? the connection? the rationale? Absolutely none.
BTW I scored today 40000 in the Crazy taxi driving game on line! after consistently being stuck at 20,000 for last many days.

Sheru crying..

2011-04-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

I thought I had no power to do "good" to my world but I was proved suddenly wrong. There was this painful howling of a dog coming from the neighborhood. So full of sadness and longing for company- you could break into tears. Marian was already upset: Should we not lodge a complaint to Pradhan? This is disturbance of public peace, law and order? If you dont do anything about, I will..

I did not want to jump on her band wagon. Sometime back, we literally forced this same neighbor to set free a street dog he had adopted, rather late in the day. The neighbor said: okay but if he bites anyone, you are responsible. Marian of cousre agreed to whole thing- and the dog began visiting our home regularly for food. His name was "Bhondu" (= dumb one). Rest of the time he use to cut capers in the street with his canine friends.

One day he came to us with a huge rotting wound on forehead with maggots. Marian tried to treat it with Neem oil, but to no avail. Finally, I agreed to put him to death. That entire episode weighed heavily on my heart, head, conscience. I did not want to get involved with another dog- not certainly of the same neighbor!

I felt helpless and wanted to just shut my ears. Marian as usual forced me out of my "spiritual" ivory tower: But what to do? what can I do? Finally I just took a walk- saw the lady standing at her gate. We smiled and exchanged greetings. I casually said: I just came out to see if PNB was open. By the way, what a beautiful dog you have on chain there? what is his name?..

From there I took off, and offered to walk Sheru; Sheru is a lonely but really good hearted dog. Then, I walked him back- enquired about water in his bowl etc. etc. Gave some helpful suggestions and saw Sheru slipping quietly under his absent master's bed. Everything was quiet- including Marian when I returned home in 20 minutes.

At 53, I often think, that God does everything- I can do nothing. Many years ago, I thought, just the other way around. Today again I had a "polar reversal". It took just a little walk, wise talk and everyone was fine. So what does it prove: I dont know- but I think, it means that I certainly will never arrive at an unlaterable definite intellectual position on this question: I will have to keep on learning something new about myself, Him, His creation and my role in it... Yes, life long learning.

Memories..

2011-01-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

Today, in fact for last few months- I have been battling with a horrifying realization: I am forgetting some important details (scenes, conversations) about my late mother and father. I am losing their memories. This seems to be the ultimate pain and cruelty dispensed by a mysterious providence..
I am filled with the fear of losing the loved ones..
Is that God's way of telling us to love all equally?
Losing loved ones, and then losing their memory! what does it all mean?

I went to my dojo today- had a very good practice session- and returned home, with my thoughts looking up a little bit..

"Even though I doubt your generosity, I will try to trust your love.."

A walk thru pines..

2010-12-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

After 38 years, I sat on the same spot and looked north- at the same Himalayan view leading all the way up to the eternal snow peaks which separate Himalayas from Tibet. I tried to compare my thoughts, emotions and knowledge - what I knew then and know now- of the world in general and the one lying to north, from where I sat. What a vast difference!
A stroke of luck (may be hard work too :-) landed me in this exclusive boarding school in Nainital in '71. I remember sitting at the snow view and looking at snow peaks for hours- and wondering what life holds for me. Now, I know all the answers. All the promises have come true - but in a very different way. I know something of great value today- which only living can bring to us.
Besides this sense of wonder about nature, there were many other emotions associated with the place. I relived these emotions, memories and set them free in ether- as i walked thru my old school.
Few days back, I was again in that town: and this time, I decided to walk the path, which I had taken as a child 38 yrs ago- through the pines, a rough trail, a stream and the great silence. I walked from Birla Chungi to Ratighat..
Yes, life has been a blessing- which I have earned every bit. Stuttering was my friend, rival, teacher and finally the key to the inner chamber of understanding. We have come a long way-me and my stammering- and this can be known only by looking back.

Positive people

2010-12-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Last few days, I was conducting orientation workshops on HIV/Aids. It was a time to learn more about how individual and communities have responded to HIV/AIDS- a calamity at first glance.
Our first reaction is often based on fear. And if we dont stop, it is easy to go tobogganing down that slope. Over last 2-3 decades, people have stopped taken a second look and come up with better responses: Positive networks. Networks of people who are HIV+ and who refuse to go down, no matter what society thinks. These people have faced intense stigma and discrimination. But they pick up the pieces of their lives and carry on.
Two elements strike me: they insist on recognizing and valuing their inner worth as human beings- and they reach out to others like themselves. This Positive network has been able to change societal reactions, mobilize resources and offer practical help to affected people and families.
We, the stammerers, could learn quite a few things from them.

Haklu the great!

2010-06-23T05:43:00.000-07:00

The other day we cracked jokes about stammering, called each other "Hakla" or "Haklu", teased each other- and felt quite good about it. One more chain has fallen off. I always had horror of that bad pejorative word for stammerers in Hindi.. But now, I realize that it is just a word. I conquered the feelings and emotions associated with it in the company of other three PWS! Bravo, self help!

A little child can not...

2010-04-30T03:18:00.000-07:00

A little child can not-

It can not climb the long stairs ..

That leads to thy hallowed hall, mother,

Where you sit in all your finery..

It can not worship thee,

It cannot sing your glories-

Mother come down to my playpen..

Bright toys, broken toys,

Good toys, bad toys

Amidst these, sits your baby

It can not worship you

It will love you, hug you..

Worship it cant.

Worship it wont.

My old friend

2010-04-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Received a note from Aniket babu unexpectedly:
"..For many days I have not been doing anything- intellectually or physically. I am feeling weak- and so sluggish...
Sarala has been nattering away- while I just browse old magazines- morning till evening. Both of us, I suppose have nothing better to do! She would rather have me jumping around, going to market, buying special food for her parakeets- and a little of this and a little of that.. But I dont want to leave home and Sarla! I often wonder what is this? this attachment, this love? Beginning of dissolution? Or am I simply depressed and need one of those pink pills? Or do I just need to go to Banaras for a change of air?
I seem to be standing atop a mountain- and looking down; I can see the path downhill- almost all the way- where it levels out. I am tired but feel - I still have to deliver my best.. But I dont know what it is.."

Fear and life

2010-02-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

The other day I emptied the contents of my bag (mind) on a crystal clear worktable- was surprised to see a lot of fear lying there, trembling like morning dew on the fine tendrils of my attachment, my maya..
Yes, I have been living in constant fear of loss of loved ones.. Mind has known it in the past and keeps recreating it... I guess, someone who goes around counselling others has no business to think and feel like this..
But...
Are 'forms' ever kept for future reference in some archive in God's infinite mind? or are they deleted once for all (shift+del)? What happens to this form, that I am using right now? Stammering as a barrier to understanding life- has been left behind and suddenly I find myself, face to face with profound insights, which I dont know what to do with!
I wish I could return back to my childhood- the quiet childhood, when I just observed and participated little..just the witness.
I have been thinking a lot of old age too- the gradual dissolution of the form.. its meaning.
Or is it all the toxins in my lung, working overtime?

Ghosts of doubts..

2010-02-25T08:55:00.000-08:00

In talking to others, we redefine our own understanding, meanings. Had been talking to quite a few people last two weeks. Sometime it seems that non-stammerers need no education- it is we, the PWS, who need to revamp our understanding of the situation on ground. Again, there were times, when I felt that people question: is stammering a significant source of suffering? is it a disability? At times it seems as if the language does not have adequate words to capture inner conflicts, emotions and sufferings- with which a typical stammerer grows up.
If it is not a disability, why does CRPF not recruit stammerers? And if it is- why is it not covered under Indian disability act?
I wonder if I should write another 'Of human bondage'..

Brush under the carpet..

2010-01-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

There is a industrial management saying: you get what you count. Meaning- if the output cant be measured in quantitative trems, you can never be sure of productivity. Someting similar happens in the field of disability: What you dont talk about- does not exist. No one talks about girls stammering- so it simply does not exist, does not matter. It becomes a non-issue.
Today a girl phoned from Delhi. Her family has been giving her homoeopathic and Ayurvedic drugs- with no relief. She is alreday on the path of becoming a 'covert stutterer'- may be to let family believe that all the medicine is doing something for her. But can this takeaway the inner turmoil, pain, confusion..? If it could, would she phone?

My family

2010-01-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

Just finished a ten day communication workshop. Still dazed. Met PWS from different parts of country and different walks of life.. It was like meeting my own alter-egos, but in different bodies. It seems that this is my "neuro-physiological" family. Similarities are uncanny: sensitivity, frustration, confused life-decisions, assumptions, sense of alienation, over-riding desire to conform and be like the next guy, search for relief and outlet, eternal confusion about identity, waiting for something to happen in life - and in many case turning within for enduring answers.. As R said- one PWS can write his biography and with the change of just name and towns it might fit most other PWS.
Still there are differences: some of us went to battle with a great spirit and some accepted defeat a little too early. Such diferences are only natural. We are not only born in different bodies but also inherit diverse sanskars. But still. Still, we speak a common language of 'experiences' and can relate to each other much more than we do with our own 'normal' biological families.
It pains to see, how persistent failure at communication, breaks our spirit- breaks our faith in innate goodness of creation, our faith in a God who cares.. We are left only with faith in our own suffering- in a suffering, which we are not free to bring to surface. With society, we too have learned to trivialise it.. Before someone else laughs, let me laugh at my own pain-

All this can, should and will change.

Teacher teach thyself..

2010-01-04T06:06:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered that many of us (me included) have a tendency to play a trick on ourselves and others: we start offering help to other PWS, in attempt to project an image: "I am a recovered stutterer. See, I am recovered. You too can - just follow my advice." We think that acceptance, if good enough, should become redundant in 6 month flat. We accept- but even there, we bargain, like good Indians! Okay, my stammer, if I accept you whole heartedly, will you leave me alone in six months? seven months? Okay, you tell me your time frame? Is this Acceptance? We are in a hurry to move on- but the unfinished business is bad business.
This chain of thoughts started because a PWS 'therapist' phoned me today and shared his innermost feelings and fears. I agree that a senior PWS has much to offer to a younger PWS, especially in a self help framework- but he must constantly check the quality of his own acceptance, his own attitude towards dis-fluency, his own grit in the face of a block, however minor.

Fantasies

2009-12-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

Even though I totally agree with my friend Eckhart that 'now' is the moment, to which I should be totally available and open- Still, sometime my mind goes off to future. For example, I often get this fantasy- of going to a hut like above for months- with a solar powered laptop and write my story..
I wonder what good will it do- except to myself. I will be able to go through long forgotten events and look at them more objectively..
Oh, I have many more fantasies.. outcome of a weakening body and awakening mind..

Re-inventing yourself

2009-12-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

Even at the risk of being a little self-congratulatory- from hiding my stammer to talking about it all the time on web, phone and in person- I think it could be said that either sachin has gone bananas or he has reinvented himself. But working to raise awareness on stamering is probably same as fighting for gay rights in 18th century! Stammerers themselves wont buy this banana in many cases! Naturally, there are times when I feel down in the dumps.
And then comes a phone call from a 'perfect stranger'...
"I have achieved a lot- but by c-constantly hiding my stammer.."
" day and night, my mind keeps on thinking about the next word- will it be n-normal or will it be stuttered.."
" I wish I could shout from a roof top- I stammer- I only stammer- nothing more; But... but wonder how will my near and dear ones will react- how will my colleagues take it.. No, everything will collapse..It will be total melt down- I cant afford it- Not at this stage of life.."

Strangers are talking but I hear my own thoughts- and suddenly, I realise that what I do today is IMPORTANT.. no matter what the world says.. Human suffering is human suffering, no matter what label you give to it..

Hey guys, I want to thank you all. Please keep phoning me.. You are my chyavanprash!

Time Travel

2009-11-04T09:17:00.000-08:00

Stammering has been like a window for me; a window between a dark room and a room full of light! At one time it was a deep inner crisis- then, out of the crisis an insight, a vision emerged. As Eckhart says, when 'awareness' and 'thinking' separates- "presence" or "witnessing consciousness" emerges in those fleeting seconds. Even when it has flitted away, you are left with a potent memory- You knew for a moment that you were playing a role- Yes, whole of life is a role- Yes, only when you wipe the paint off your face and look into the mirror, you get a glimpse- and then it is time to go home..
Last many days- I have been alternating between witnessing consciousness and 'role playing'... I had been sick and when the brain would be addled with fever (and fear) these glimpses would come and go..like images..
Stammering is both a spiritual disease (we try to hide something central about ourselves in every encounter) and it also a spiritual wormhole- a direct link to a mystical inner world.. making time travel possible.. Courage is your capsule for travelling back and forth..

Physical sickness- spiritual health.

2009-09-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

Fears, memories- and more memories, more doubts and fears. That is what living is all about, it seems. I have been listening to Eckhart. You can stand one step- just one step behind your thoughts - and see what motivates them. This happened a few days back- when my ego was bruised a little bit. I stood back and saw that what hurt was ego- nothing more. Where does one go from here? What about love and devotion? Knowing oneself as a witnessing presence- fine- but then what?
Weather is changing and I had some bronchitis. Most of my insights have come when I am sick, it seems.

Stock taking

2009-02-22T22:09:00.000-08:00

Time to do a stock taking for last 2 years.
I have been practicing self exposure (-yes, I stammer- wow, I stammer indeed!) ans bouncing mostly. Sometime prolongation- if I could remember!
The changes which have come over me:
1. A deep sense of acceptance for myself and for others- and not just for stammering but for other things as well (I need to thank Sri Chandra Swami ji for that)
2. I still stammer but it is no more devastating (to me or to my overall communication)
3. I have better control over the forward movement of my speech..( I can bounce on purpose and at whatever rate I want to..)
4. I am no more chasing fluency..
5. While working with young CWS, I am able to intuit their particular issues better..and communicate better with them.. I am able to listen better..
6. Of course, I still cant answer the question- why people stammer? - but on the whole I understand this issue better- whatever may be the first cause- the subsequent chain of causes and mechanisms are clear to me.

F-F-Fish pond

2009-01-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

I was standing by the side of this pond and was watching the many colored fishes.. So much like my mind-scape. I lost my father in 79 and now, my mother in 2008. There was a long gap, when I forgot the meaning of death- death of people you love. Now, the meaning is coming back to me in a big shoal of many colored fishes.. Death is like the punctuation mark, which makes the sense of the preceding clause or sentence CLEAR- and also, where we the PWS are supposed to stop and take a deep breath.

I look back and realize that I was trying to say too many things in one breath- any SLP will tell you- “Dont even think of it!”. There has to be a pause- no, complete cessation- where in you consider the meaning of the preceding life. And plan for the next, if that be His will.

I have been drifting in the direction of “full-time stuttering”. It is coming very naturally to me- like Sannyas or similar life changes. Thinking, talking, writing, joking, watching, sharing – stuttering all the time. Sometime it feels like my destiny. Sometime, it seems like sheer common sense. What else shall I do, when, I have stuttered, even if internally, all my life and trained as a Social medicine professional? Nice combination.

Yes, I am becoming a Full time stutterer. Paradoxically, my speech is less disfluent now. And my emotions related to speech? They have never been better! Am I offering this as a panacea to every PWS? No. Everyone must find her or his path. But we can certainly discuss and share, what we know.

Another silent change overtaking me is: my ego is melting away and this is causing some confusion: when am I supposed to stand my ground and be assertive? When am I supposed to accept everything as will of God? Shall I will my course of action or do I wait for a sign? It is like Ketamine anesthesia- I can see, feel, hear everything but can not act- can not will.

I am waiting for mother to come and lead me by hand..

No one at home!

2008-12-22T21:40:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to see the general nature of fears related to stammering. It reminds me of a Buddhist saying. Pain, suffering, happiness, joy- all these are universal qualities existing in nature. We go and fill our bucket, bring it home and call it- my joy, my pain etc. etc. This is how we create 'imaginatively' a sense and appearance of 'self'- an eternal self, who wants to have eternal freedom from pain and unending joy etc.. But as a matter of fact, there is no 'self'- your or mine. When you go avisiting and enter the house, you find it empty. There is no 'self' dwelling there. My god! What an idea!
Then, who was it who jumped with joy on accompishing this or that? who is it who gets up and feels confused and frightened at 3 am?
Anyway, more am talking to diverse groups about stammering, I am beginning to realsie that so many have similar fears about something else. Fera is a generic phenomena. Perhaps solution too is 'generic'.

Ocean of life..

2008-11-19T21:43:00.001-08:00

The other day, I felt like crying when I saw this little tike of a child- about four, but looked three, like many Indian children, and- a little puffiness under the eyes- in a pale sad face. Has been crying, before his mother hurried him to me? Had he been teased by siblings? by neighborhood children? Does he have intestinal worms?

I realise that every meeting, is defined by our past. My past. My past and training. I grew up stammering and trained as a doctor. So, I know. I also fear. And this is what this life is all about. A great symphony at times. Then, again, a groan in dark, as you snuggle deeper in an old quilt on a wintry night..

The other day, I was watching David Attenboroughs wild life film- life in the great seas, life in the freezer(Arctics).. As there, same here. The struggle for survival is no less brutal; search for mate is no less elusive; fate of the helpless, injured and 'different' is same there as here. And the message is same here, as there- get up, do your 2 minute brisk dance and slip away in to the greater silence.. And then nothing matters..

After a few days, I actually cried and felt so good! It was lying there as a big weight around my heart..

Amrita Imroz

2008-11-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

For a long time I thought that what I and Marian had done was something unusual: a man living with an older woman. Recently, I came across a book called “Amrita Imroz”. Biography of a similar couple; Amrita is of course the famous novelist and poetess, Amrita Pritam and Imroz is a painter. A beautiful story - written after Amrita’s death. The book is illustrated with black and white pictures and reproductions of Imroz’s paintings. The format of the book reminds one of “The prophet”.
Some quotes would be quite in place:
“Today I have sold a world
And bought a world of beliefs.
I committed an act of blasphemy
I wove a bolt of dreams
Tore off a yard
And sewed a blouse for my life.” (A verse by Amrita)...
The question asked was: why is the man-woman relationship so entangled?.. Imroz answered: A man has learned only to sleep with a woman but has not awakened with her...
When I wrapped myself with your being
our bodies turned inwards in contemplation
our limbs intertwined
like blossoms in a garland
Like an offering at the altar of the spirit..
Our names slipping out of our lips..
Became a sacred hymn..(Adi Dharam by Amrita Pritam)
So, as I live longer, I discover that nothing is new here- everything has already happened- everything has been done by someone or the other..(thanks God!!) ..Spirit picks up the mirror again and again- and seas the same face peering back at it..
So, then, what is creativity? I am beginning to feel that going within - the inward journey for the meanings (not forms) is the only creative thing to be done, after all..

TISA victory

2008-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Stammering has long been considered a 'funny' condition and has been portrayed thus in media. But all that must change now. Young TISA scored an important victory. Check the following link:
http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2008/09/thou-shall-protest.html

Mindfulness

2008-09-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Till a few years back, I considered it a smart thing to plan my day (sometimes days) ahead as I would be having my breakfast hurriedly. Fast, Fast. I did everything fast, fast.. May be it was a spin off (benefit!) of my stammering.. I spoke fast, thought fast, reacted fast, walked fast, learned fast, unlearned fast, got disillusioned fast, gave up bad habits fast (which ones, I wont bore you with :-). Yes, everything fast.
But that was past. Today as I sat down, eating an apple after breakfast, I stopped myself, and chewed it thoughtfully and consciously, as if I was eating an apple for the first time.. I recalled the peace and joy of those three days spent in Leh, when we would sit down for hours, eyes closed and attention at our breath, when we would get up in between and walk sloooowly with our eyes at the ground.. Every step consciously, as we must have done, years ago, when we were toddlers..
Now I am realizing that being alive to here and now is not only a better way of doing whatever we are doing, but it is also an spiritual act..
May be it is the essence of spirituality, we will ever know..
God is here and now. In the past, you meet traditions. In future, you come across hope- hopes. But if we wish to meet God, be in His presence, we must enter the meeting room, called ‘Here and Now’.
Wow! It is all here and now.. (I am so relieved!)

SHG meet in Mumbai, 21st Sept, 11.30 am

2008-09-19T23:09:00.001-07:00

Ajit from Mumbai is organizing a two hour Self Help Meet in Mumbai this SUNDAY. Other core group members, Viren and Venu have joined in. Please participate and spread the word.

Venue: ICICI Bank, near Imperial Cinema, Grant Road (E), Mumbai
Date: 21st Sept. Sunday, Time 11.30 am
Contact: 09967594962 (Ajit)

Catharsis, John, Karma and fun..

2008-09-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

Watching someone stammering on a screen, in company of other PWS can be therapeutic! It seems that since society doesn’t give us the freedom to stammer openly, a vicarious experience helps to fulfill that natural urge.. Afterwards, we feel that it is OK to stammer- Didn’t John Paskievich stammered there on the screen? and nothing horrible happened to him? So it is OK.

When I was a child I avoided other stammerers - I guess, for the fear of being found out, in their company- or, may be, for the fear of losing the (whatever) control over my speech, listening to their stammer..Oh, how we have been driven around by such weak thoughts!

Now, I dont care. I enjoy company of people like myself. Whether it is a karmic law, or just the fun, but something binds us together.. something nice and wholesome. I and Ananta have been discussing if Stammering is a spiritual malady primarily?! A sickness which sets you apart from who you truly are? And therefore the cure too is quite ‘spiritual’- a good dose of ‘humility’ pill and return to your reality, your home: the stuttering Self .

We might do a podcast for stuttertalk.com on this subject...

On Turning Fifty!

2008-08-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

May be it was a sheer coincidence that on 8^th August this year, I found myself walking up hill, through rubble left behind by glaciers for centuries, towards Digar pass (connects Leh valley to Nubra valley). It was not by design certainly. Nick and I kept walking towards what seemed like the last ridge, with invisible fluttering prayer flags. Every swell in the land seemed to be hiding those ever receding flags - and the top of the pass. The cairns were no more visible. We were walking on shale- and huge boulders, as if left behind by giants after a game of pebbles, as it were. It was three in the afternoon and weather became steadily worse: It began raining, then suddenly snowing. Temperature plummeted. We were wet and numb fingers began to hurt. No sign of flags.

We decided to turn back since we did not have a tent. Getting back to the Sabu village was a long long walk. We took shelter in a cave. Water trickled back from the overhang. We changed into whatever we had, as a protection against cold, ate some resins and began the long descent back in failing light.

Late that night, when we had safely descended to Sabu vilage in torch light, and were offered shelter and hot food by a kind villager- I thought of the plain cake we had packed in to relish on the top of the pass. As I took it out, I remembered and shared with Nick: Let us celebrate, I am fifty today!

Many thoughts coursed through my head: Just a few months back I had lost my mother- not only that, just a few months back, at her death, I had realized what it meant to have a mother and then lose her. Just a few days back, I had done an intense three day meditation on formlessness and passing nature of everything. Yes EVERYTHING. Just a few years back, I had come out of my shell- and had discovered that I had created with my own hands a personal portable hell of shame and fear.. It was just a few days back, I had discovered my own “passing-ness”.. along with everything I could conceive of.

I am aware that time is short.. and I must make use of the days ahead.. with joy, yes JOY.. That is my resolution at this turn of half the century.

Yes, we did get to Digar village in the Nubra valley after a few days, in spite of all the problems, setbacks and adventures. (you will have to read Nick's blog -or book, to learn about these adventures.)

Om mani padme hum..
Om mani padme hum..
Om mani padme hum..

"Passing Twice"

2008-08-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

Came across a very interesting essay from Richard Stein of Passing Twice. It helped me to understand why it brings me a sense of joy, to meet other stammerers. Here is a excerpt:

"...Being a member of any minority, let alone an oppressed one (and possibly the phrase oppressed minority is redundant) leads to feelings of alienation or marginalization. Alienation means that we feel estranged or that we do not belong; marginalization means we feel that we are at the fringes, removed from the power structure. To a considerable degree, the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant heterosexual male does run the world (to the degree that he is managing to cling to that power despite the threats presented by a changing world).

The alienated individual does not belong, does not fit in, does not participate in this or that group or activity, does not conform to the "standard" or "typical" or "normal", is a round peg in a square hole. I have always felt that the word normal carried with it a particular tyranny, but see just how many terms our society and our language has for beating us over the heads with!..."

Check out the complete essay at:
http://www.stutterisa.org/Essays.html (scroll down to Essay 8: Alien Nation)

My Mother

2008-08-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

There was a slim swarthy tall beautiful woman- in my life. This is a tribute to her – my mother (b. ~ 1928), and my father. He was short and stocky- but they looked so nice together. They came from landed Kayasth gentry from eastern UP. There was a ten year gap between them. Father (b. ~1918) did not want to marry, because his father had died leaving behind a large family. He joined the army at Katni (or Jabbalpore?) and never wanted to marry- so that he could take care of his brothers and sisters. When his eldest brother insisted, he gave the consent. He was married in absentia, if I remember correctly. His father in law cried when he saw him (his son in law) at the time of 'Vidai'. He cursed his son, the match maker, for having married his daughter to a 'widower'!

Then, transferred every few years in an Armed forces career, they went over time to Pune, Banglore, Secunderabad, Kalka... and three children were born.. Then, he went to the military hospital for vasectomy. The doctor was on leave. And this is how, I, the fourth child was born. But I did bring some relief to my mother. The third child was a daughter so her sister in law had been pulling her leg often: Manjuliya will be born after Manju (another daughter will follow this third child). Father too was concerned: I will send you to your home if a girl is born! This is what he is supposed to have said to my mother! This was fifties, soon after Independence and no one had heard of women's rights and feminism.

So, I came and settled everything! My earliest memories of my father are : a big burly man coming threateningly close to my mother and asking her to stop breastfeeding me. She of course would hide me under her pallu and carry on! Another time, I saw him pick me up from my mother's lap and rub his bristly chin against my cheek! Just for fun!

Against great odds, they raised us up- educated us, gave us values and faith in ultimate goodness of life. My mother used to say: Saburi ki majuri bhagwan deta hai!

2008-07-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

Stuttering Mentors

2008-07-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

The other day, I listened to the podcast from Stuttertalk. What they said made sense about many a people being the fluency mentors but few caring to be 'Stuttering mentors': I too was in the same boat: I was talking and writing about stuttering- but not stuttering myself. Being fluent was still important under some pretext or the other. And children need such role models: adults who stutter openly and are comfortable with it.
I have tried bouncing consciously while talking to friends – and occasionally with strangers- but the early socialization pushes me down.
Anyway, we did a podcast recording the other day- four of us. We threw in a lot of bouncing and some natural stuttering too. Then, I was replaying it on my laptop in Audacity editing program; Got the chance to see my voice leaving a characteristic graphic signature on the track.. Besides being impressed by the technical brilliance of the program, which lets you do many things with the recorded sound- I was discovering the magic of my voice too..
I think every stutterer should play with a tape recorder- it can tell you a lot about things- good things!
By the way, Stuttertalk has agreed to host our podcasts in Hindi!

Fear, Death, jetsam, flotsam

2008-06-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Game

My mother is fond of turning old things into new shapes.

This child too falls for the new toys.

And the game is played again with new jest.

Ages pass, Bodies fall.

Waves wipe away all the sand castles-

Built by an entire generation of children like me..

New foot prints reappear by magic..

My mother never tires..

Nor does her baby..

And the game goes on.

Master

I come with brilliant words- billions of them..

I revel in the gift I have brought!

I extend these words to you,

The way trees extend their fingers to sky..

You take my gift of words-

And give me the blessing of peace-

The blessing of a thought beyond words..

The peace beyond worlds..

Thank you Master!

I sit at the lowest step

I wish I could leap -

to the high pedestal,

Where your blessed feet rest.

Beyond words..

Death and life

I see life and death in a dream.

I see all the loved ones die.

I know it is a dream.

Still, I cry out in my dream.

You wake me up-

and show me your own wounds-

I go back to sleep with tears

trembling on my eyelids.

I cry for both of us now..

I am beginning to understand the meaning of fear:

Growing old and alien to all earth.

A stranger to seasons.

God, get me out in the nick of time. Wont you?

Trillions of people have been born and dead-

with no trace at all!

Why do I want to leave a tribute to my parents?

We have tried to immortalize ourselves

in a drop of love,

in a moment of affection..

in a wisp of memory,

on a piece of paper!

But the fact remains-

I, as I know myself,

am very mortal.

I was dead, even before I was born

That is one great truth,

we have been running away from..

God is the only thing we began with

The only thing we end with..

Where does rest of jetsam, flotsam come from..

and where does it go after a brief mad whirl..

Any moment I may withdraw behind a veil of silence..

Stammering mindset- a poem from Satna, MP

2008-06-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Dr VK Singh is a Psychologist and an ex-stammerer. He conducts camps in various parts of India to help PWS and CWS. He is quite a poet too.

The long road..and the pilgrim!

2008-05-24T03:09:00.000-07:00

I am getting desensitized about stammering. I am talking about it increasingly in a variety of situation and it no more causes any embarrassment. Of course, I still feel irritated when I feel as if the other people do not consider it a serious issue at all- merely tolerating it. People seem to know so little about it. Recently, I showed a movie: Courage to speak, to a group of young Canadian students. It was about stammering and how it affects lives of young children. Some of them genuinely seemed surprised.

TISA: PWS meet in Chennai: 4th May 2008

2008-05-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Mr Manimaran (09445061999), Mr.Vishal And a friend Mr.Karunyamurthy have decided to meet at Marina beach near Gandhi Statue on coming sunday (4.5.08) between 6PM and 7PM. Others who are interested are cordially invited to join them. They will be discusing stammering- issues and solutions.

What if?

2008-04-18T06:36:00.000-07:00

In my personal evolution, I am beginning to get the inkling of a life beyond stammering.. It is like standing atop a ridge and to be able to see the distant ranges..
Sometime I wonder, what my life would have been if I did not stammer at all? As a child I fantasized a lot and thought this would be utterly desirable. But now, I guess, I would have certainly picked up some other cross to carry- because in retrospect, I feel that to develop beautiful shoulders you must carry something substantial..
and so many people do it all the time but we do not have the eyes to see the beauty in the life of common women and men, children, animals- the 'little' struggles, the 'big' victories, the 'bardo' moments when a little fly or spider teaches you profounds secrets of life and beyond..
Here are some pics from our Mumbai meet. It was a bardo moment for me. Way forward for PWS is to meet each other, support each other- thru this lies the path of our 'personal' recovery..

Banyan tree of Stammering

2008-04-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

The other day I discovered that my tendency to hide my stammer is truly very deep and it keeps returning at the slightest excuse. When I am talking to strangers, I take off normally- and after a few minutes I discover that I have no desire to 'bounce on purpose'- as I am supposed to do. Many more minutes later, I discover that I am so bent upon maintaining fluent speech that I am switching words..

This reminds me of a parable of Ramakrishna: The ego is like Banyan tree. Chop it down and the next day, you will find two tiny leaves sprouting out of the trunk.. In other words, dealing with your ego is not a one time job; you must keep at it until it has vanished totally- subduing it once is not enough. In the case of ego, he said, it- complete disappearance of ego- happens with Samadhi. I wonder if there is anything like that in case of stammering?

I and Pawan had been practicing bouncing on phone. I never realized that I will make such a committed recruit to bouncing in Pawan! He phones suddenly in the middle of something weird and will say: Shall we bounce a little?- and there we go: W-w-well, s-so w-what d-did you do l-last night? Etc etc.

What bouncing does is quite paradoxical: it reduces your deep psychological fear of stumbling over words. Secondly, your rate of word production slows down. Thirdly, you discover that you can stumble on a word voluntarily (not involuntarily as your experience has been so far). All this improves your speech and offers you better control over your speech system.

When you car is skidding- experts say, you should turn into the skid- not away from it! That helps. Same here. Check it out, if you dont believe me.

Keep talking and keep smiling!

A stuttering joke

2008-03-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

This is the one I liked most:

Shared by Ira Zimmerman, August 12, 1996

When I was in therapy at the UCLA Clinic for Stutterers, we used to go to a nearby village to practice our voluntary stuttering on the village merchants.

The aim of voluntary stuttering was to build up our tolerance and acceptance of stuttering.

I approached the box office of the local movie theater to work on my voluntary stuttering.

I said to the pretty young woman selling tickets, "I-I-I am a st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stutterer."

She looked me right in my eyes and said, "It's still going to cost you $3.50!!"

Ira Zimmerman
warmerbros@earthlink.net

Humor and healing

2008-03-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

One of the signs of emotional maturity, not just for PWS, is – ability to laugh at one’s own self; to be able to see the funny side of our lives. For a long time, stuttering jokes made me feel bad, very bad actually. But over last few years,as I began talking about the issue, things have changed. Now, I realise, that there is just one thing in the world which deserves all seriousness, everything else can be laughed and joked about. I remember, last time when I told the young kids (CWS) in a school about my first para jumping fiasco - how I couldn’t go beyond “T-T-T-T-T-Three” and so was never able to open my parachute.. Some kids enjoyed the joke and others kept looking at me for some further clue.. I am sure they will understand the deeper joke one of these days and make rapid advance on their road to healing and wholeness..

Here are some jokes on web:

http://jokes4all.net/jokes/stuttering/jokes.html
http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/humor.html

Check this too:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Speech-Language_Pathology/Stuttering/Psychological_Issues

have fun!

Hu- Haa

2008-02-26T07:39:00.001-08:00

Why did I learn Karate? I had this deep seated social phobia, related to my stammering. Invariably, you set out to find one thing and you find a lot more! It reminded me what Vivekananda said years ago- God can be found thru anything! In Karate, timing is of supreme importance- and same is true of talking and communication.. You must know, when to interject, when to express surprise with just one word (Really!).. You must know where to pause, when to pick up again, when to read people’s expression and act on it…

I remember when I broke my first brick.. I realized that we rarely use our full potential.. that is why we are given so little.. like that parable in the Bible, where one guy buried his coins, while the other put them to business.. and was rewarded.

The other day, the evening sky showed those shafts of light.. like the shafts of thought which sometime illumine the mind, when least expected..

Social diesase, social treatment :-))

2008-02-19T01:50:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was talking to a media person and regarding stammering, I said: “Social disease; social treatment”. Later, I was thinking about what I have said, what he may have understood by it. Talking defines our thoughts. Sharing adds new meanings. By social disease, I meant that beginning and continuation of stammering problem is deeply rooted in ‘social reactions’- actual or imagined. So, treatment should also be in the presence of others, with the active help of others- hence the self help groups for PWS / CWS. Therapy in a clinic achieves so little, therefore.

Still later, in my private moments, I feel, that stammering has another dimension: it is a spiritual problem and hence warrants a spiritual remedy. Spiritual problem- in the sense that, stammerer’s gaze is constantly turned outwards: How are people reacting to my disfluency? s/he accepts fluent self but denies his/ her disfluent self, disfluent moments (other mortals welcome happiness and run away from sorrow- same way). Therefore the ‘treatment’ is quite close to spiritual sadhana: self confession (‘thou shall speak the truth’), acceptance of oneself and others as we are (not as we want to be) etc. We must turn the gaze within, touching the inner perfection, however momentarily, and being at rest with everything. There is no need, then, for hiding or projecting..

The only grouse now- why have all these insights come to me so late now! Anyway, I am happy, that they did- because time is infinite and so am I. So, what is the hurry?

Stammered lies..

2008-02-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

The other day, I discovered that X had been indulging in ‘small harmless’ lies. He is a covert PWS. It got me thinking about my own struggles along that line. Yes, I masked my stutter so hard and often so well, that I thought- why not, if hiding something saves everyone concerned (including me) from distress? It spread to other areas of my life. But every time I did so, there was an inner protest. It was like speaking a second language- not your mother tongue. However good I may become at English, it is not same as speaking in Hindi. It is an extra effort, an extra burden. All this, while my given name meant – supreme truth!
Yes, I can see that covert stutter can influence our character and personality traits. One such area was anger and forgiveness. Since anger made my stutter worse, I couldn’t respond angrily as other children; this turned my tongue into a weapon of intense sarcasm. Cold, calm but poisonous sarcasm. Also, since my anger could not be expressed then and there, it turned inwards and got buried deep. For months, years, I would remember an insult or injury and when the ‘opportunity’ came I would try to settle scores, with compound interest! Still later, I discovered that this harmed me only: Negative feelings only made talking (and other intellectual functions) difficult. I also discovered that our spirit can soar lightly unaided- provided true and prompt forgiveness, sets it free from the carcass lying on earth. Now, I realize that many of these insights came to me after long hours of efforts at meditation.
Now, as I am nearing fifty, I am turning yet another leaf- I am discovering why my father named me Satyendra! God bless him!

Maya and stammering..

2008-01-31T06:27:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book about self therapy for PWS. There is a whole chapter dedicated to relapse- supposed to be a very common phenomena in stammering. I too have personally faced these relapses many times. What are the reasons? Many. It deals with issues like ‘self concept’ (difficult to change), ‘motivation’(may vary dramatically), ‘emotional rewards’ (being recluse may have served well the PWS and the people around him too well..).

When to stop therapy- also is a big issue. How do you define cure for PWS? Stammering reminds me of ‘Maya’ in classical Hindu philosophy: Maya ‘is’ and ‘isn’t’ both. It is because it makes even Incarnations forget their true nature at times, it seems. It is not, because the moment you realize your nature, you don’t find any trace of it anywhere. It is only a negation, not a positive entity by itself: like “darkness” is only absence, a negation of light.

In winding up, I feel it is a very ‘spiritual’ malady!

Gift

2008-01-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

I don’t need to hide my obsessions here, I guess: for example the one for Dr Zhivago. I read the book first when I was a youngster, trying to learn English by reading novels! Then, again recently I discovered the genius of the plot, when I saw the movie, after many years. I bought the book again after a gap of 3 decades and read it all over again. I began to feel the spiritual nature of what appears to be a romance on the surface. In the last scene in the movie, this uncle, says to Zhivago and Lara’s daughter, that if she could play mandolin (Bela-lyka), without being taught- then it was a gift..

That word inspired me to write a few lines on this concept of ‘gift’..

Few days back, I too was thinking of my father and was amazed to realise how blind I had been all these years, to the little gifts he had left behind, strewn across my thoughts, tendencies and memories..

When I’ve lost everything,
I’ve found my freedom
When I’ve given up everything,
I still have my gift.

When the world has turned its back,
I I’m ushered to my ‘Self’.
When I stop ‘knowing’,
Understanding follows.

Last line of the verse,
Rhymes well with the first.
This is the verse of life,
Death – its meter,
Ever-ness, its refrain..

When I’ve lost everything,
freedom has found me
When I’ve given up everything,
I discover my gift…

acceptance or transcendence?

2007-12-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are undergoing quite a lot of change since I began talking about stammering. When I was a child, it mattered what people thought. Now it doesn’t. As a result, I feel my speech, choppy or otherwise doesn’t matter. Since the world itself doesn’t matter. No, I don’t mean that in contempt. But world as a creation of God- can not become more important than the creator itself. How did this miracle happen? At one time, I thought, it would never happen- that I would always be impressed and enamored by the world. They say: human birth, desire to know God and refuge with a master- these three combine very rarely. True miracles, like due drops, happen very quietly, insidiously..

I still feel the troubles of a child like Deepak. He said calmly today: Yes, it feels bad when other boys laugh at me. Especially, when they all gang up and imitate me…

A spray of water is death to a small insect. To man, it is just a spray. The trick is to evolve into something so big that our karmic problems become minuscule and are left far behind.. But it takes hard work and time..

Stuttering & Discrimination?

2007-11-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

Is there discrimination against PWS in matters of employment? Is there hard core evidence? Tough question.

Many PWS may live in their own world of fear and feelings of inadequacy and may not put themselves forward for the challenging role.. There are also some employers who feel uncomfortable with someone stammering around, and feel that the person should go to a Speech therapist and get himself ‘cured’. Few people realize, complexities of the issue. I remember some years back, while on a short term consultancy, I was told that some of my syllables are not clear, when I talk and that this is not on; Of course, this assignment was not about controlling air traffic with a micro-phone at a busy airport nor was I coaching SRK on finer points of diction! These certainly were just two little cases- among hundreds of instances to the contrary, where people focused on what I had to offer.

Some days back I came across this news item, may be the first reported such instance:

New Delhi, August 16: Hearing a case in which a laboratory assistant was dismissed from the Guru Tegh Bahadur Polytechnic for stammerring, the Delhi High Court has observed that the institute’s management should have acted like ‘‘model employers’’ and arranged for his treatment.

Tarul Popli’s stammering, the management had contended, would come in the way of discharging his duties as a lab assistant. He was required to conduct practical which involved explaining to the experiments to students, the institute said. Popli, however, refutes this, saying there has been no complaint with regard to his work.

Justice Manmohan Sarin, in his interim order observed that although the employer has a discretion to set the standards of an employee, the ‘‘defect was not of such a nature which was not curable or capable of being improved.’’ The court took note of the fact that AIIMS had examined Popli and had not found any physical defect. It was diagnosed as a case of ‘‘stuttering’’.

The court said that the management , the Delhi Sikh Gurudwara Management Committee, should have in view of their commitment to charity and public service helped Popli and ‘‘acted in a manner so as to build his confidence.’’ They should have arranged for his treatment with a speech therapist, the judge observed.

While directing Popli to be present in court on September 6, the next date of hearing, Justice Sarin said he hoped that the management would examine the matter afresh in the light of the court’s order.

(http://cities.expressindia.com/fullstory.php?newsid=95742)

Thinking along these lines, I recall a very interesting testimony by a leading Economics professor (Prof. Carlos A. Végh) from University of Maryland:

“But, of course, in the non-academic world, I still face many closed doors. Apparently, the idea that some journalist might be in attendance (or, God forbid, some TV cameras might be on) in, say, more policy-oriented conferences is reason enough not to invite me. So be it. We all have to live with ourselves and our own conscience and let me leave at that! The IMF Institute -- an IMF unit that offers internal training -- is a particularly shameful example of closed doors, apparently believing that IMF economists (many of whom have been my own students!) cannot take some stuttering together with some sound open macro theory, an obvious insult to the intelligence of many excellent and hard-working IMF economists.”

Elsewhere in this same document he elaborates:

“On the other hand -- and let’s face it -- this is a life-long struggle. There will always be frustrating days and/or situations in which one needs to remind him/herself that one needs to carry this cross with courage and determination. (The good news is that, as we learn to accept ourselves as people who stutter and feel comfortable with it, these “frustrating days/situations” become more and more rare.) And there will always be people/places that will be utterly uncomfortable with stutterers and will shut their doors even if one has shown (with hard facts) that it is not such a big deal. That’s unfortunate but that’s life. In my particular case, I have been lucky and I can say that, by and large, the academic community has been very generous and has given me every speaking opportunity (seminars, conference, and so forth) based on my academic merits and not on my stuttering. (Over time, obviously, my speech has improved a lot just by doing this activity repeatedly.)”

Matter for thought?

Dream come true!

2007-11-17T06:04:00.000-08:00

There is a big gulf between the world of a child and that of adults. Child doesn’t have many things to compare his/ her troubles with. I am happy that I am back in touch with my childhood and the childhood of other children; For many children difficulty in getting words out of their mouth may seem as insurmountable problems and since no one acknowledges it or talks about it- it becomes quite a bit of problem for the children. When I was a child I had a dream and it is coming true now: I am talking with children who stammer about this whole issue. And do they talk? OMG!

I also had another dream, while working in NGOs years ago- taking technology right to the child or the user who may benefit by it. This dream too has come true: DAF on a beat up old lap-top is providing lot of fun and some therapy to children in a run down government school.. Thank you Rick Arenas for DAF software. Thank to you too, Bill for windows.

Paradox

2007-11-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

For last many months I have been wallowing in self-confession, which is a highly respected therapy principle for covert stutterers! Yes, wallowing. My ‘public’ speech is quite good actually. Therefore, people often react: You stammer? No, you don’t! Because, it is true that I have suppressed my stutter and turned it inwards- so you don’t actually here me stutter.

But as a child, I remember, I would stutter noticeably and yet had no self awareness. So, someone would say- You stammer- don’t you? And I would emphatically respond: who, me? NO!

To be able to see ourselves as the world does- is an almost a spiritual quality. Only a certain degree of advancement can guarantee this. To go one step further- it seems now to me, that to have a perception of yourself which is not dependent on what the world thinks of you- is yet another major spiritual step forward. You know yourself as only YOU can.. But yes, one should certainly have ‘mercy’ on his or her audience and try to communicate effectively and efficiently. Not only stammerers, even deaf and mute people can do it- ie. communication. But then communication is one thing and fluency another. On TV one can see many people who fluently talk for hours, without actually saying anything!

Many years ago, I was doing a consultancy in Pune. I had been talking to this very dedicated lady, who headed a very good NGO. One morning, she said: You have such a nice speech. Feel like listening to it ever and ever..

I turned left with some alarm, to look at her face. Was she pulling my leg or what? Of course she was not. I am beginning to see that many of us PWS, as children adopt dismissive and critical attitudes of the grown ups around us unconsciously. And then, these become enduring thinking patterns. We start under-estimating ourselves and putting ourselves down. A good speech therapy program must address these deeper attitudinal issues. A practical way of helping people on this path is a good vibrant self support group- where people can safely talk about their assumptions, fears, attitudes, put them up for testing etc.

Allan Rabinowitz

2007-10-20T03:17:00.001-07:00

I came across an address given by Allan rabinowitz, an authority on wild life, in 2005. I am beginning to see that my love for nature may have something to do with my stammer. Despite the difference in our culture, background etc. Stammer proves to me that humanity is one.
Here are some excerpts from his address:
"While I loved my parents, their greatest mistake was their denial of my stuttering and the belief that to talk about the problem with me or in front of me would only hurt me more. So they too became outsiders in my world. They were never there to hug me when the pain was at its worst. And they never came to sit quietly with me in the darkness."

Again, I always felt that Media tends to gloss over the phenomena of stammering. But this really surprises me:
"But while I changed, the world did not so much. In 1986, upon the publication of my first book Jaguar, I was booked onto the Today Show with Bryant Gumbel, the number one morning show at the time. The publisher was thrilled because it meant the sale of many more books. The stipulation for my appearing, however, was that I had to promise, in writing, that I would not stutter on the show. I agreed. It was a challenge, and I knew I had the tools to be the completely fluent, articulate guest they wanted. It went well. And it reminded me why I ran from people in the first place, and why animals needed me so badly."

More on society and therapy:
"Through my son, I became involved again with the world of speech therapy. I sat in on some of the private and group sessions offered to children with speech problems. I was surprised at how often I heard some of the same words that were said to me as a child – slow down, calm down, think before you speak – things that have little or nothing to do with the cause of stuttering. Sometimes I hear condescension or dumbing down in the voice of therapists or I see their eyes wander as the child struggles. I recall how quickly the walls went up when I was a child, realizing that the person talking to me had no idea who I was inside and would rather be somewhere else. Occasionally, I hear frustration and even annoyance from speech therapists and clinicians who are perhaps overly stressed, tired, or having a bad day themselves. I cringe when this happens. How well I remember the pain I’d feel as a child at not even being able to please even this one person who was trying so hard to help me. I will always believe that stuttering is a special little gift granted to certain people in this world, a little key that opens up parts of the human psyche that would not have been opened otherwise. But every stutterer has to come to that realization in their own time and in their own way, if at all.
Nice words and thoughts do not negate the handicap that stuttering can create in young and old alike. I never wanted to hear that I was special, that it was no big deal, or that I should simply ignore people who do or say foolish things. I felt broken inside. I wanted people, especially my parents and the speech clinicians, to look me in the eye when I stuttered, or ask me how it felt when I couldn’t get the words out. I wanted desperately for someone to tell me that they could help me be a fluent speaker. Don’t believe it if a stutterer tells you that it doesn’t matter to them."

here is the link to the article:
http://www.econ.umd.edu/~vegh/personal/stuttering/Rabinowitz.pdf

Do I know "my stutter"?

2007-10-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

I had often been intrigued by a fact: I knew next to nothing about my own stutter- things I actually did during a stutter or a block. I had a very vague idea that something unusual happened. On the surface, it reminded me of post grand-mal epilepsy amnesia. But was it truly like that- a true amnesia? I had my doubts. Here is a very insightful explanation from Darrel Dodge, an SLP and a stammerer himself:

Continuing speech failures and loss of control may make speaking seem like a difficult or impossible activity at times. Because the feelings of helplessness and loss of speech control are continuing, the reactions are strongly reinforced and begin to become an integral part of the person's behavior. The person begins to anesthetize himself from the emotional pain and unpleasantness of stuttering by internally administering opioid neurotransmitters (the endorphines). As a result, periods of lack of consciousness may be seen during speech blocks and in the flow of speech, which begins to develop a characteristic choppiness as the PWS snips out awareness of large and small stutters, rushes away from stutters and slows down as new difficulties approach. Severe blocks may be accompanied by actual periods of unconsciousness, with the eyes of the PWS "rolling up" into the head. In many, there is a perceived "loss of status" or "bottom dog" self-image that can result in anger, open displays of aggression, and depression. This can also result in intense self-criticism and excessive or compulsive striving to achieve in other areas to compensate for speech difficulties.
(Darrel Dodge)
from http://www.veilsofstuttering.com/reactinh.html

Elsewhere he explains:
I think there's a huge field of work related to the role of the limbic brain, the amygdala, and learned responses to the trauma of childhood stuttering in the maintenance of secondary adult stuttering.

Now I think, I can change my stutter only when I know all about it consciously. That is why therapist ask you to prolong your block, slow it, freeze it and then know it.

My stuttering roots…

2007-10-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

By the time I was 9 or 10, I realized that if I married and had children, there was a great possibility of my child being born a stutterer. In my child’s mind, I visualized him facing great hardships- just as I was doing then. It may not have meant anything, but I vowed never to have children. I felt world was not ready for such children. As things worked out later in life, I did find love but not a biological family. By this time, I had realized that biological family often brings bondage and suffering: since it operates on the principal of – you aught to do this or that for me. A poor environment for love and mutual respect. No I don’t mean that true love can not be found in biological family- but somehow, that had been my experience till then.

In Indian families, having one member who stutters is considered bad enough- but more like an accident, an aberration. But if there are stuttering blood relatives- a wider pattern, it is almost like a fiasco. But recently my views have undergone a change. Now, I feel that stutterers should have children, even if genetic counseling indicates high probability of progeny inheriting the disorder. The world would be pretty boring if everyone was articulate and handsome like a particular friend of mine in Dehradun! I am also beginning to see that what we call adversity – is only a great opportunity turned inside out, like a reversible jacket!

Today, I took a further step in my explorations: I asked my mother about what she remembered of my speech when I was a child. Certain things, which I considered so important that I could recall them vividly, she had forgotten! This indicates that stutterers tend to attach great importance to events which others may not even notice. I as a very sensitive child, began masking my stammer quite early. Sometime, it was quite unconscious. Instead of stuttering, I would just freeze. Not say a single world. My father or others would be puzzled but not know that I stuttered.

Many years ago, one of my uncles, asked me to read a news paper article. I managed it satisfactorily but he did not seemed impressed. He seemed lost in thoughts. My mother now tells me that he was the uncle, who was very timid and spoke in a strange way – I think this is her way of describing stammering. Now in retrospect, I suspect that my uncle that day was trying to figure out the puzzle about his stammer.

My father, who had a normal speech, used to get very impatient with him, whenever they would have a discussion about any serious matter. My eldest brother stayed with this uncle for a short while in his teens. My mother thinks that because they stayed together and he may have eaten some food left by the uncle, he developed a stutter.

I asked my mother about the relatives on my fathers side, whom she may have met after marriage, at our paternal village. Now, for the first time, she recalled that there was a cousin who had a stammer. I dig deep but could not help her to remember further. When I look at the three generations of my family on father’s side, about 5% members may have stuttered. The stutterers I know of, are doing quite well as far as academic achievements and over all economic status is concerned. There were some members who did not stutter, but failed to get anywhere in life. Could it be that stutterers are acutely aware of their disadvantage and work hard to compensate for it?

In my case, this awareness that I would probably never be accepted by the ‘normal’ society at a par made me sad at heart often. But it also drove me to find out if there was another God beyond this god- the society.. And yes, I found it. A higher truth to live by. A greater Ideal which not only accepted me but explained everything. And it brought peace. Now, I can see, that world is a fine place for every one, including children who stutter. You just have to get hold of the jacket, turn it inside out and put it on with a smile..

2007-10-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Have been reading a book by Mr Fraser meant for self therapy for adult stutterers; here are main principles.

1. Always speak Slowly and deliberately

2. Easy onset, prolong feared sounds, bounce, stutter easy and calmly

3. Self confession- don’t hide

4. Identify and eliminate secondary movements and behaviors

5. Identify and eliminate avoidances, postponements and substitution

6. Eye contact- always, even when you stutter

7. Analyse your blocks- by freezing them, slowing them, recording them etc. Then use block corrections:

Post block: Stop completely, relax and attempt again with over correction..

In-block: The moment you are aware, carry on but slow it down, prolonging it..(pull out of a hard block)

Pre-block: As you become aware, you pause, relax, plan and then attack the word- in a prolonged sliding deliberate fashion

8. Keep moving forward

9. Use inflection and melody in a firm voice

10. Celebrate the fluent speech you had and still have

11. Talk much (be quiet when you have to!)

Came across a nice quotation in the same book:
A stammering man is never a worthless one: It is an excess of delicacy, excess of sensibility to the presence of his fellow creature that makes his stammer.. (Thomas Carlyle)

The End!

2007-09-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

This morning- I sat in a beautiful house- a beautiful morning after rains yesterday- everything washed and clean- the mountain in distance- and suddenly I had a vision- that I would be seated at the bank of a river someday, just watching the water flow by- It seemed like a vision of my life beyond “Stammering”-

Yes, one day even this passion will be spent- what would be left then? I wondered.

It reminded of reading a book with missing pages at the beginning and at the end. Yes, I was so fond of reading as a child that I would read anything – even such a half torn book. It interested me, but I had no idea how the story began and how it ended! I knew only the middle!!

Now, at 50, life seems so much like that book, years ago- I do not know, where all this started and why- nor, how will it end. But sometime, I get inkling- like, I know, the end would be in the lap of mother nature..

Yes. I am beginning to see that there is a life beyond my stutter- but first I must deal with it whole heartedly.. then, there would be time enough to watch a river flow by, or a sunset over a mountain pass.

Heal Thyself!

2007-09-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

I am reading a Stuttering foundation book: Self Therapy for the stutterer
All the quotes in this book come from Speech Therapists, some truly well known authorities; Many of them have been stutterers themselves. I find this truly interesting. I think, stuttering is one condition, where 99% of the problem is internal- cant be seen or explained. Hence, a normal speaker may never be able to have enough empathy or understanding- and therefore may lack the confidence to treat such individuals..
This vaguely reminds me one of the dictum from Upanishads: This Aatma has to be realized by your own efforts (ie. you cant get this realization by someone's grace, intervention, blessing etc..).
One such "speech authority" is Johnson; here are two quotes from him:
"..The behavior called stuttering is extremely modifiable. It is possible for the speaker to change drastically the things that he does that he calls his stuttering.. "
"I am a stutterer. I am not like other people. I must think differently, live differently- because I stutter. Like other stutterers, like other exiles, I have known all my life a great sorrow and a great hope together, and they have made me the kind of person I am. An awkward tongue has molded my life (Written, when Johnson was a young man)
I think what helps some of us is "Insight"- capacity to see in our own inner world- make sense of it - learn to deal with it.. Since communicating with outside world is so stressful- our thoughts turn inwards- and if there is some substance in us- the inner world, like a dark cave- gets lit up- and we see all kind of amazing things there- may be a route leading out, etched on a wall by some prehistoric hand..

Covert-S

2007-09-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

The other day, I met a Covert-S. I could empathize with him. Was I not 100% like him some years back? Delicate, fearful, uncomfortable, wanting to come out but fearing the consequences, backing out at the last moment.

I am beginning to see, why speech therapy takes so much time- and why it fails so often, especially in adults..

Last night, mother, Anil and self sat and saw the McGuire program DVD… All kind of stuttering and people- and the amazing change a few days later.. Anil is asking many genuine questions and I am becoming a subject expert..

Confession and stuttering

2007-09-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

The other day, I started my session on “Organizational Vision and Mission” like this:

I am sachin. I work with children facing speech issues. In fact, as a child I stammered quite a lot (used the Hindi word- Haklana) but I learned to deal with it. Even now as I talk, I can feel a little hesitation. So, if you don’t understand, feel free to ask…”

For PWS this is a tough assignment. It is like standing in a market place and start undressing. This brings out all the emotions which have been suppressed for long. And this does make talking difficult almost immediately. Actually, I noticed that my stumbling on words increased a little bit. But I controlled my emotions, took a deep breath, looked at the eager faces (they know, that sachin knows his trade, and can communicate very well, when he is up to it!)- noticed that no one was unduly traumatized or shocked by the confession- and then, very soon I was talking well. Another hour later, I was fluent and holding their attention like a magician. For me, my speech is a daily miracle!

How did it become a miracle? Instead of shying away from it, I began studying it like a good rational mind. Then, one day- I confessed it to myself while having a shower: I stammer. I am not ashamed of it.

This became like an inner mantra (chant)- which would surface in my mind every now and then. This was the beginning of a great trek, great journey… still not over.

Semantics and stammering

2007-09-15T05:15:00.000-07:00

There are two words with similar meaning in English: Stammer, Stutter. In Hindi- Haklana, Tutlana. In Spanish, it is Tartamudeo. In French- Begaiement. 'Gestotter' is the term in Dutch. "Balbuzia" in Italian. In Garhwal, PWS are called ‘Fappa’.
Most of these words are based on the sound produced during the act of stammering. Other than that, few languages have a proper name for this rare and little understood health condition. The words may be different but quiet often they have a derogatory air about them. Calling someone Fappa or Hakla is not the same as calling someone ‘Blind’.

For me, the Hindi word ‘Haklana’ had an air of fear, shame and oppression. If I ever saw a word resembling it even remotely, my eyes will move on hurriedly. Is that why many ads for Speech therapy are displayed in Public toilets? Most ads for Impotence and Stammering are seen in toilets, in subway, train etc.

Language is often a mirror of society and its time. Our attitude towards human love degenerated in last 2000 years and (in India at least) now, as some one commented, language of love became words of abuse. ‘Saala’ at one time was a perfectly respectable word to denote your wife’s brother. Now, it is a word of abuse (“Screw your sister!”). Ever saw two north Indian men fighting and abusing?

Similarly, word Haklana does not simply signify a speech with repetitions and disfluencies. It is more than that: You are flawed, you are inferior- that is what it has come to mean. No wonder, I said a clear un-stuttered “NO”, when our Bio teacher asked me in a full class: Do you stammer?

I was about 15 and in class 10. I kept on thinking about it afterwards and it bothered me that I had lied consciously. Years after years, I felt that my fluency was an attempt to cover a lie. A simple lie. Could I have said: Yes, sometime. No, sometime? This would have been more accurate description of the situation. But the question, the way it was framed, seemed to demand a black or white answer.

Anyway, one day I saw a glass lamp. The wick burned smoothly within. There was a moth inside which went round and round looking for a way out. I thought, it would soon realize that the way out was there- it just had to fly up! But it went round and round pushing its head against the glass chimney. In my later years, I could see, I was just like that moth- going round and round in the chimney of fears.

Then one day, someone lifted the chimney off and I was out. Confronting one’s fears is like that- when you confront it, it is just not there. Miracle!

Wise words

2007-09-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Keith has said something valuable; I did not want these relevant words to be hidden away as comments; so I am pasting them here:

To look at your questions.
I think each stammerer is different. We have all arrived where we are now via a different route.
If the stammerer is truly happy and comfortable in his/her life then that is fine. No help is needed.
If the stammerer feels restricted in what s/he wants to do in any aspect of life then they should be encouraged to seek help even if they do not want to seek help.
If a stammerer wants more, and wants to get more by their own efforts then that too is fine. But, if they are having little success then the advice I would give is
'if you want some improvement in any aspect of life; if you have tried hard for a long time using similar methods without success then you will only get an improvement if you change the way you are trying'. One obvious way to change methods is to talk to someone who has improved.
I think that groups are a way ahead.

September 12, 2007 4:36 AM

Again:

Sachin,
You are not alone in having these doubts.
Let me tell you a true story. I have been to two annual British Stammering Association conferences and one International Stuttering Association Congress (held every 3 years). When we are eating meals the delegates almost need ear plugs. The physical noise of stammerers talking to each other is unbelievable. They are having so much fun, in a non threatening place they just talk and stammer without a care in the world.

September 12, 2007 4:23 AM

Keith- yes, I am moving ahead; Not giving up. Few days back, we had our first meeting- 4 PWS got together at Samagra; This coming Sunday, I expect a few more certainly. The sign: Samagra Speech support Group has gone up.
Thanks for all the support. I must act locally, in spite of all my penchant for global thinking etc. :-))
sachin

Thanks Keith!

2007-09-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you Keith, for all your imperfections. We could be so unapproachable, if we were not. (This is in response to what Keith left as a comment on this blog.)
My dark night of doubts is lightening up. Today, I went to apply for cooking gas connection for Samagra. I thought it will take me days. But it happened in just couple of hours. The man was quite impressed that I work with children with disabilities. I gave him one of Samagra publication on Stammering.
I am beginning to see, that when you have seen the glimpse of that inner light- that inner conviction- it doesn't matter whether you walk alone or with a crowd. The world becomes like a little puddle made by the hooves of a cow- a simile used often in Vedanta.. and so true.

Going thru 'Motions'

2007-09-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have been getting a thought recurrently- and it has brought considerably peace and sanity:
God has done everything. Already. I just have to go thorough the motions. Like reading out my script on a stage. The script is already there and the audience also knows when to cry and when to clap. I just have to go through motions.

The other day I met, Anugrah, a Christian Sanyasi living in Herbertpur. He said:
Just live according to your conscience. Nothing more is needed.
I was quite impressed by it.

By the way, I have put up some messages on my office wall and they change my consciousness every time I look at them:
Stammering- neither a sin, nor a crime. Just a health issue. Accept it.
Accept yourself and world will accept you.
There is an ability in disability.

Yes, after all, I am moving forward - and that is what matters.

The dark night of Self-doubts @#^**

2007-09-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am starting work on a community based intervention on stammering in north India.. Every now and then I suffer from doubts:
Is it worth while when many stammerers themselves dont talk about it, dont want to talk about it..?
Is stammering really an issue for PWS, or their families or their audience? or just an irritant?
Is it truly a disability? A handicap?
Will stammerers ever like to sit down with other stammerers in a support group?
Should people be left alone to fight their battle in privacy- or should they be brought together in groups? Will that help or make their problem worse?

Is there any soul in the outer space, who would care to reflect on these questions? and let me know their perceptions?
sachin, a PWS

Stammer Easily..

2007-08-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Here are some relevant excerpts form a book I have been reading: relevant not just for Speech Therapist but also for common people, dealing with children:

“..Most little children (with stammer) fear and hate the constant correction that they must endure: Say it again! Slow down! Don’t stutter!

Moreover, when most people correct a stuttering child, they merely demand that he say the word as they do, completely fluently. Sometimes he just cant and then he tends to become aware of his trouble. Instead, we might use a mild and easy repetition or two on one of the words on which he has stuttered much more severely. The reason for this procedure is that we should immediately begin to provide models of less abnormal stuttering. Stuttering can reverse its course, and it is vitally important that the child learns early that there is no need to force or struggle. We are not asking him or attempting to teach him to be entirely fluent immediately. We know this is unreasonable. Instead our basic goal is to make the stuttering milder for we have found, over and over again, that once the stuttering begins to get less severe, it will eventually disappear… “

From – ‘Treating the school age child who stutters: A guide for Clinicians. By Carl W. Dell. (The Stuttering Foundation)

Stammering and Media

2007-08-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

The other day, I saw Yashwant Sinha being interviewed on ETV. Of course on Nuclear issue. It was a pleasant surprise to see that the interviewer had a slight stammer. I thought that media is totally averse to showing stammering on Television. Both the channel, the producer, cameramen and the interviewer deserve congratulations.
The typical reaction to someone stammering, is because we rarely get to see it, hear about it, talk about it. No wonder, as a result, we the PWS, tend to suppress it all our lives. This leads to problems- for everyone, both speaker and listener.
This- including PWS in Media programs- is a good way of de-sensitising audience to a health condition which afflicts 1% adults and 5% children.
NB: PWS- People who stammer (idea is to emphasis that person takes precedence on their disability)

Nature of stammering

2007-08-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

When I was about 5-6 yrs old, I remember resting in a room, one summer. My father hailed out from the other room: What is the time, son? The wall clock was right in front of me. I knew how to say the time. But I just could not articulate the words. The internal pressure to say the word went on building up- but my lips and mouth simply froze. After some minutes, my father came into the room, looked at the clock- then at me with a sense of puzzlement and went out without saying anything.

Much later, as a doctor I realized that even when I could not give much hope to a sick person- s/he still wanted to understand what their ailment was. What that lump or growth or pain was all about.. Now, I can see that for many years, not understanding the nature of my stammer was a big and confusing issue for me. I think it is for most stutterers. Not knowing what is ‘wrong’ with us bothers us and further complicates the issues.

Why did not I try to research and find out about my stammer earlier? I was quite uncomfortable about the whole issue: people’s reaction or rather my understanding of their real or potential reactions. So much so, that mind would play any trick to deny the issue. “No, I don’t stammer. I just hesitate a little- sometime…” This is how I developed a whole system of denial. But what would still get to me through this thick blanket was when a stutterer would be made fun of, either in real or in popular media, like films or plays. My mind will say- The joke is not on you, relax! But deeper down, I will feel easy identification with the person..

So what is the cause of stammer?
I tend to agree with Sophie: After the ‘original cause’ is done and gone- mind develops a defense mechanism, a secondary reaction which goes into operation, the moment we think that our speech is being listened to and judged. This secondary elaborate system to prevent stutter- is strong enough to prevent speech itself. It seems that essentially, it is all about ‘perceived fear’ and mind’s habitual and learned reaction to it. Is there anything which can convince us that there is nothing truly “frightening” out there? I think many things can help: Modern therapy, Religion, Meditation, Yoga etc. In my case, going to a Saint and telling him about it, helped. Also, meditation and introspection.

Peace!

Ashtavakra and disability

2007-08-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from an amazing trek in western Himalaya: a solo trek- where I was quiet most of the time- but spoke to myself constantly.

When I was a child, it was quite an effort to match up with the demands for speaking in a world which was more verbal than visual or anything else. Most games of children required some amount of vigorous talking- which I could manage sometime, but rarely enjoyed. I think, gradually I began drifting towards those hobbies or games which did not require verbal skills or human interaction: I became very fond of reading, drawing, painting, playing flute. Still later, I got into this nature thing: trek, climbing: where I was pitching myself against nature, not another human being.

All this movement away form verbal human interaction- turned my mind inwards, developed my powers to observe, analyse, imagine, empathise. If you have urge to talk (share verbally) and suppress it, as covert stutterers often do, it generates frustration. But one day, that urge to share leaves you for good. You discover that thinking something original and deep is more important than ‘sharing it verbally’. You become quiet. You have nothing to share. You just want to experience the mighty stream of life passing by and through you. A greater silence envelops you. Now, whenever spirit moves you, you talk and you talk effortlessly.

But now, when I talk, I realize that I have nothing important to say: The communicative pressure has worn off. Even the pressure to perform verbally to an acceptable standard is no more there. If I stutter, fine. If I don’t, again fine. Has this change come over me just because of my age?
In final analysis: I feel as long as World had a power over me- I could not help being in awe of it and stuttering. I have grown up and am no more in awe of it. I know what it is and where it has come from, where will it go. Now, I can take my own time and say what I want to.

Ashtavakra was a sage in Indian mythology: his body was bent in eight places, hence the name. King Janak stood up when he entered his court. But some of the courtiers laughed. He said: Janak, I thought your court was full of wise men. But I see, some here, deal in leather alone! This silenced everyone. A saying of Ashtavakra is very relevant: The banks of the river may all be jagged- but the water flows straight. When you get the glimpse of the Spirit flowing straight through the crooked body, all doubts are resolved for ever!
Peace !

Memories

2007-07-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

"Life can be understood in retrospect- but has to be lived forward."
Kirkegaard

Some of my earliest memories dealing with stammering, record, not my discomfort- since I had none at that age- but that of my listeners, in vivid detail and intensity. I remember my mother’s discomfort, confusion and pain- when she shared with a neighbour: God knows what happens to him sometime, when he talks. But you know, he sings very well… Can you tell me what it is?
Of course the kind neighbour said: Don’t worry it will be okay as he grows up. He is only five.

I also remember my sister (just two year older) asking my mother- why does he make all those funny faces?

Then, a few years later, I saw the deep concern and pain in the face of a kindly teacher; Obviously, he couldn’t understand what was happening to me suddenly in mid-sentence. If it was an epileptic attack, his reaction would have been milder and more predictable perhaps!

As a child my self image was evolving from these reactions of pain, discomfort, confusion, shock etc. My understanding of what was happening to me also was based on these ill-informed reactions. Can a child have a source of understanding independent of its surroundings? Can a child have independent insights into his or her problems? I imbibed the view and values of the world: they laughed at stammering- I too did the same. This reminds me of the following lines form ‘The Gardner’ (Tagore):

I long to speak the deepest words I have to say to you; but I
dare not, for fear you should laugh.
That is why I laugh at myself and shatter my secret in jest.
I make light of my pain, afraid you should do so.

I long to tell you the truest words I have to say to you; but I
dare not, being afraid that you would not believe them.
That is why I disguise them in untruth, saying the contrary of what I mean. I make my pain appear absurd, afraid that you should do so.

I long to use the most precious words I have for you; but I dare
not, fearing I should not be paid with like value.
That is why I gave you hard names and boast of my callous strength.
I hurt you, for fear you should never know any pain.

I long to sit silent by you;
but I dare not lest my heart come out at my lips.
That is why I prattle and chatter lightly and hide my heart behind words.
I rudely handle my pain, for fear you should do so.

I long to go away from your side; but I dare not, for fear my
cowardice should become known to you.
That is why I hold my head high and carelessly come into your presence.
Constant thrusts from your eyes keep my pain fresh for ever.

Later still, as I grew, my stammer did become “mild” as I became adept at ‘managing’ it. But I was constantly working at keeping it hidden. I had a horror of any mention of stammering. But it always lurked behind my thoughts. In my 47th year, I suddenly felt tired - tired of living as someone else. Day after day, I felt I was living someone else’s life. However well I did it, it was still some one else’s life – not mine. Accepting my ‘self’ and acknowledging it became a hunger, a need.

When I accepted it, it melted away. All the energies I had invested in it- became free and became available for a forward movement! Life is a play between light and shadow- I had always known- but now it had become a dance as well.. WOW!

Keep smiling and dancing, wherever you are!

Many dimensions of stammering..

2007-07-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

Stammering is a neurological condition leading to communication difficulties. It is also a psychosomatic disorder: A neurological lesion and the world’s reaction to it, changes our worldview and our self image. Still further, it has a spiritual dimension as well. To be accepted by the world, I had to give up my ‘self’. To accept my stammering self, I had to go back to accepting dualities of life: light and darkness, death and birth, pain and pleasure, fluency and dysfluency, respect and ridicule...
The moment I recognised and accepted my stammer, it gave up its hold on me and vanished. (Old dictum: The moment Maya is recognised, it flees). I am happy that I did it in the 48th year of my life.

With a calmer mind, I look back and discover the following lessons:
1. If PWS (people with stammer) could be helped to talk about their struggles, three quarters of the battle would be over for them!
2. Society can greatly help by being more knowledgeable and accepting- not just of stammering but also of various other visible or invisible disabilities. In the long run, everyone benefits.
3. This act of PWS accepting and talking about their stammer, can best be done in the company of other PWSs. Bringing out their feelings, emotions and struggles related to speech can take many shapes: writing (stories, journal, autobiography), role plays, songs, making a documentary, blogging on web, volunteering with children with disabilities etc.
4. Finally, a little sense of humor and lots of courage are the necessary ingredients for this journey back to our common source, no matter from where we start.

Bravo!

My th-therapist has asked me to b-blog..

2007-07-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well, why should I blog about my stammer?
Their are two reasons:
I have known a Father from our local Church for m-many years and he says- Confession is good for soul. While stammering is neither a sin nor a crime, trying to hide it was a different matter: not sin but something un-necessary. Perhaps a common mortal weakness?
By the way, his name is Father Sachin. I often go to him for c-confession. And it always does good to me!

Second reason is my Therapist.
During our last session, he said: Stammering is all about "fear"- not nerves, not breathing, not onsets, not smooth contacts. How do you conquer the fear? Not by running away! So, he said- just go out and do the thing which you have avoided all this while: Self disclosure.

Of course, he added in a low voice- I wouldn't advice the same thing when it comes to your Income tax assessment!
By the way, Haklana in Hindi means 'to stammer'. And the n-name of my therapist is Dr Satyendra; a wise guy, people say! What do you think?
NB: Just In case, you didn't guess it: Father Sachin and My Therapist are one and same person- and that is me!